“If you make money your god, it will plague you like the devil.” — Henry Fielding (1707-1754)
Sharona was contemplating leaving her husband, Brian, but she worried about running out of money and becoming homeless.
She had some reasonable concerns about getting low on funds, along with a variety of irrational beliefs leading to her unfounded fears.
Some of her irrational beliefs consisted of the following:
1. I must have a guarantee that if I leave Brian, I’ll easily make ends meet; otherwise, I’d better be safe and stay with him.
2. Life must not consist of one hassle after another for a poor waif like me.
3. Life must not be so unfair and give me such financial hassles.
4. Life must hand me everything I want.
5. I can’t stand facing my difficult financial situation.
6. I must have more money.
7. My challenging financial situation is awful, terrible, and horrible.
She tackled the first one with a Three Minute Exercise (TME), also known as an emotional ABC: “I must have an ironclad guarantee that if I leave Brian, I’ll easily make ends meet; otherwise, I’d better be safe and stay married.”
A (activating event): I feel uncertain about making it financially if I leave Brian. I don’t know what I’ll do.
B (irrational belief): I must have an ironclad guarantee that if I leave Brian, I’ll succeed at making ends meet.
C (emotional and behavioral consequences): I feel anxiety and indecisiveness.
D (disputing the irrational belief): What is the proof that I absolutely must have a guarantee that if I leave Brian, I’ll succeed in making ends meet?
E (effective new thinking): As much as I desire one, unfortunately, the universe won’t give me an ironclad guarantee that I’ll be solvent if I leave Brian. Guarantees don’t exist, and even if they did, I do not have to have one to make a decision. If I have financial problems, it would be a hassle but hardly a horror. I would not like this at all, but I clearly can stand what I don’t like.
The chances I’ll end up homeless are minuscule since I’m capable of getting a job and supporting myself. If I was out of work for a while, I could sell the few stocks I have and live on that while job-hunting. Although I am facing an arduous dilemma, it’s hardly the end of my world. It’s not my lack of money that forces me to worry, but rather, it’s my irrational demand that I be financially solvent; with much practice, I can change my thinking and learn to unconditionally accept my compromised situation, although I’ll never like having it.
F (new feeling and behavior): I was extremely concerned and apprehensive, but I took a great risk and ended the relationship.