There are many uses of the word sorry. There’s the genuine and heartfelt apology. We also know the sarcastic one that fuels an argument like igniter fluid (“So sorry I can’t read your mind!”). Don’t forget the perfunctory sorry—the one that you utter, often disingenuously, just to shut down the conversation. Of course, we all can point to the sorry that never comes, even though it’s expected and deserved.
This post is about an underappreciated and little-discussed type of sorry: the anxious sorry (or, if you prefer dad jokes, seeking fear-giveness).
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Safety Behaviors
The anxious sorry is often considered a safety behavior, which refers to the short-acting relief techniques we use to calm our anxiety.1 Safety behaviors include avoidance and escape responses (e.g., stonewalling, procrastination), rituals (e.g., checking, reviewing), and reassurance-seeking.
Safety behaviors are not inherently problematic, but when they are carried out repeatedly as a coping strategy in lieu of longer-term strategies (e.g., acceptance, learning, problem-solving, cognitive reappraisal) to address the underlying cause of the anxiety, they can become highly unhealthy and grow over time.
These behaviors grow over time because of negative reinforcement.2 That is, they provide momentary relief from a bad feeling (i.e., fear or anxiety). Because of that rewarding relief, we are more likely to use that behavior again in the future as a strategy. In other words, safety behaviors grow over time like a tumor and don’t provide long-lasting solutions, just short-term relief.
In fact, when speaking to business stakeholders and clients, I suggest that it’s not the anxiety causing the problems, but rather their behavioral response to that anxiety. Their expanding web of safety behaviors becomes paralyzing.
The Anxious Sorry
As noted, the anxious sorry is often a safety behavior, and it can get out of hand and cause major problems. This may look like a coworker who apologizes constantly because they suffer from perfectionism or imposter syndrome and are anxious that none of their work is up to snuff. The apologizing provides temporary relief, as if it were preemptively providing them a reprieve just in case the recipient judges their work as subpar.
This type of sorry also might show up in our difficult relationships in which we feel like we’re walking on eggshells. We might find ourselves apologizing excessively as a way to prevent the other person from having outbursts. For example, we might say to a volatile spouse, “I’m so sorry, but they didn’t have your favorite cereal at the store,” as if the store inventory were within our control. But it keeps the peace.
When it comes to the anxious sorry, it often relates to a worry of being judged by others and the possible consequences of that judgment, such as negative emotions (e.g., feelings of embarrassment or shame) or poor outcomes (e.g., getting dumped, fired). For example, we might preemptively over-apologize to our boss about a report we just submitted, “Sorry if this doesn’t meet your expectations.” Perhaps we did this because we are nervous they will judge us poorly, will fire us or deny a promotion, or all of the above.
Consequences of the Anxious Sorry
The anxious sorry might provide temporarily relief, but it doesn’t solve the underlying problem; it just grows as a disruptive behavior over time.
It’s also not a great look. It undermines a projection of confidence. This is true when working, dating, parenting—all over, really.
Moreover, when we apologize repeatedly out of fear and anxiety, we rope in everyone around us, which can be associated with their rejecting us,3 most likely due to their exhaustion and resentment. When others accept the anxious sorry, they participate in the negative reinforcement cycle and therefore exacerbate the behavior. It also sends an indirect message that the anxious sorry is appropriate.
How to Reduce the Anxious Sorry
One of the biggest obstacles to reducing the anxious apology is self-awareness. For many of us, it has become so automatic that we can’t even tell when we’re doing it, or we recognize it only after it’s slipped out of our mouth. It can help to enlist the support of one or more trusty allies, who can point it out gently when they hear it.
It also helps to anticipate the anxious sorry by recognizing when it pops up the most, such as stressful performance situations with a high likelihood of being judged by others (e.g., submitting an assignment to a favorite teacher). When we enter such a high-risk situation, we can be on alert ahead of time and stop the anxious sorry before it even starts.
Once we have some ability to catch the a
nxious sorry in advance, we can figure out when apologizing makes sense. By nature, the anxious sorry is compulsive. On the other hand, a bona fide, genuine apology is thoughtful and premeditated. Learning to discern the two can help us figure out which to stop.
For those of us who are on the receiving end of the anxious sorry, no need to sit on the sidelines. We can help. We can be that ally discussed above—the one who gently points out the behavior to aid self-awareness.
And, as cold as it sounds, we can react to an anxious sorry in a neutral, non-reinforcing manner. For example, we can reduce or eliminate reassuring responses, such as “It’s OK,” “No worries,” or “No need to apologize.” These are the very types of negatively reinforcing responses that strengthen the anxious sorry over time. As natural as it feels to do so, enabling short-term relief is not worth undercutting the long-term improvement of the behavior.
Conclusion
The anxious sorry is an oft-overlooked type of apology that can negatively affect the way we are viewed and cause unnecessary burden to others. Because it’s a safety behavior, the anxious sorry is compulsive in nature, which means it’s a short-term, negatively reinforced relief mechanism that grows over time and doesn’t solve the underlying cause of the anxiety. But, if we can learn to recognize the anxious sorry and anticipate when it will show up, perhaps with the help of allies, we can reduce or eliminate it.
Sorry if I haven’t been clear.