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The therapy room is not always a safe place for childfree by choice individuals. Pronatalism—the cultural and institutional forces that pressure individuals to have children—permeates various aspects of society, including religion, politics, economics, and even psychology. Naturally, many theories of human development include the experience of parenting. This can become problematic when it is assumed that parenting is necessary for a healthy adulthood. For example, Erik Erikson’s stages of development are characterized by a series of conflicts people must resolve to mature. One of these stages is called “Generativity vs. Stagnation/Self-Absorption,” where the developmental challenge is to find a way to impact the next generation. While there is certainly room for interpretation, this challenge was traditionally thought to be resolved through parenting.
Given the parenting bent of many foundational psychological theories, it’s not entirely surprising that many therapists are not knowledgeable about the childfree-by-choice community. This is unfortunate because this population faces many unique challenges. For example, childfree individuals often face judgment and unsolicited comments, such as “You’ll change your mind,” or “You’ll never experience real love.” This can become a frustrating experience of feeling chronically misunderstood. Even more serious, many childfree people are concerned about limited access to reproductive healthcare. In the United States, the overturning of Roe v. Wade in 2022 has made it difficult for many women to access abortion. After the 2024 election, many childfree people worry availability of birth control may be limited as well. This can lead to serious anxiety which may require professional assistance.
Sadly, some therapists might not only lack knowledge of these issues but also exhibit biased attitudes toward the childfree lifestyle. One childfree woman shared her experience online of telling her therapist that she did not want to have kids, only to be met with defensive responses like “opinions change” and even “you have no say in this since you’re 19.” In my practice, I have encountered childfree individuals who have been traumatized by therapists pathologizing the decision to be childfree.
While the field of therapy is evolving, finding a supportive therapist can still be challenging for childfree individuals. There are no clear marks, certifications, or accreditations signaling a therapist is childfree affirming, but there are other ways you might screen for this:
- Scan my list of childfree affirming therapists. It’s important to note that many therapists can only see clients in the state where they are licensed. If your state is not represented in the directory, keep reading!
- Internet search “Childfree Affirming Therapist.” Again, there is currently no recognized process for becoming certified to work with the childfree-by-choice population. However, the term “childfree affirming” is the most well-accepted designation for therapists who specialize in this area.
- Connect with your community. Do you have childfree friends? They might have good recommendations for accepting therapists they have worked with in the past. If you don’t have any fellow childfree people in your circle, now is a great time to connect. You might consider posting in childfree groups on social media or finding an in-person Meet-Up in your area. An added benefit is that social connections are excellent for your mental health as well.
- Consultation Calls. When looking for a therapist, it’s always a good idea to have an initial consultation call to see if the relationship feels like a good fit. During this call, you can ask the therapist about their experience and comfort level working on issues around being childfree. While you might not find someone who specializes in this population, you can at least learn about a therapist’s attitude towards it.
- Referrals. If your current therapist doesn’t feel like a good fit, don’t hesitate to ask them for a referral. Many therapists have access to listservs and other networking tools, which can help identify other providers in your area with niche specializations or interests.
Therapy can be an important part of managing life stressors and exploring your identity. Because therapy is so personal, it’s important to find a therapist you feel comfortable with. While knowledge of the childfree-by-choice population is still limited in the field, these tips can help you navigate the process of finding an affirming therapist and getting the support you deserve.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.