With the holidays right around the corner, many Americans will soon be forced to—or have the pleasure of—spending time with the partner we said goodbye to romantically, but remain bonded with by family or friends.
Here is how to avoid public discomfort (or disaster) in the upcoming year.
1. Better self-esteem leads to better relationships
A 2020 analysis of 48 studies and over 46,000 participants found that the relationship between self-esteem and social relationships is ongoing and reciprocal throughout our lifespan.
What does this mean?
The greater our social network (both online and in-person), the better we tend to feel about ourselves. If we have fewer support systems in place, our self-esteem can hit a slump.
But for those whose social circles include a former lover, behavior might be shaped by a desire to feel as if you have more friends than you actually do—or even more friends than your former partner actually does—and decide to attend events with a former partner whose presence does you more harm than good.
Remember to be cognizant of how you feel when attending these events with blended family members or friends so that you can make a conscious decision of whether your attendance is negatively affecting your positive attitude.
2. Co-parenting doesn’t mean that you have to be together at all holiday events.
When a relationship ends, the guilt we feel as parents can push us to make the wrong decisions. But, playing house when you’re not living together isn’t going to be any more convincing than it was when you were unhappily married.
A 2023 study by Campbell found that communication that is clear and consistent results in a better marital (or post-marital) relationship, greater parental well-being, more paternal involvement, and positive children’s development. If this year feels too soon to feign holiday happiness, communicate that information to the holiday host and your former partner.
And cut yourself some slack. Perhaps next year you can make the holidays work without disappointment or anxiety holding you back.
3. Ask your current partner what their thoughts are on joint holidays
To be clear, no one is suggesting that you base co-parenting decisions on your new romantic fling.
Especially since it is usually the reason you broke up with your ex that best determines whether or not you “should” stay friends with an ex, according to Kellas et al. (2008).
A 2016 study of 260 individuals and their navigation of current and former relationships found that 40 percent of individuals still kept in touch with their former flames due to friendship, doubts about their new romantic relationship, and similar social networks, respectively.
Communicating your thoughts and concerns about spending the holidays with a past love can be complicated, and the best way to make sure you don’t risk your current relationship is to simply ask how your current partner feels about having to share their time with you and your former flame.
But beware: a study by Spielmann et al. found that often, when we are in a new relationship that is not quite giving us all the feels, we are likely to turn to our former partners to improve our self-esteem and self-image.
This does nothing to improve our contentment within our new relationship — and often results in more dissatisfaction.
4. Set boundaries for the quantity and quality of time you spend with your ex
A 2024 study by Vallerand et al. found that the happiest people are those who set boundaries for the amount of time they devote to unpleasurable activities such as chores and obligations—and spending time with an ex, even under the best circumstances, most likely falls into the category of an obligation, rather than a pleasure.
If circumstances do warrant together time with the person who used to make your heart race and your knees weak, clearly define in advance how long you are comfortable with spending during the holidays. And remember, less is often more in this case.
5. There are times when you should not be friends with an ex—even if it is holiday season
In 2016, Mogilski and Welling found that good reasons to stay in touch with an ex-partner included a partner who is trustworthy, reliable, and someone who you share a sentimental past with—and yes, that sentimental past may include someone who you married and had children with.
The wrong reasons to stay friends with an ex?
Convenience and sexual access — largely because these reasons are likely to result in one partner getting hurt or being disappointed.
Staying friends with someone you used to love may have careless or even malicious intent if the only purpose is to have access to what scientists call “valuable resources,” such as love, status, information, power, or sex.
In Conclusion
There are very few shoulds to dictate the right and wrong way to co-parent except this one: be honest with yourself, your former partner, and your current partner with your barometer of when co-parenting flips the switch from home for the holidays becomes harm for the holidays—and set your boundaries accordingly.