Anxiety is a disruptor. It gets in the way of many aspects of our lives. When it begins to infiltrate our relationships, we can suffer from detachment, avoidance, and overthinking. The cumulative result can lead to serious rifts and problems in our intimate relationships with partners and spouses.
If we view intimacy as equating to safety and vulnerability, we understand that true intimacy means feeling that we can be ourselves, trust in and embrace the moment with a partner, and not be held back by worry, fear, or distrust. Intimacy goes beyond physical sexual activity and includes an overall feeling of comfort and safety wherein we are authentic, open, and comfortable. Below, we will explore three common ways that anxiety can disrupt our ability to practice true intimacy.
Self-Surveillance
Anxiety often causes us to be hyperaware of ourselves, in a sense watching ourselves to ensure that we behave in a way that does not result in humiliation or embarrassment. The problem with self-surveillance is that it robs us of the present moment, so focused are we on being “normal,” “proper,” or perfect. Imagine sitting on the couch with your partner in a completely safe and comfortable environment. There is no risk or danger in this moment, but your mind races with thoughts about how you are behaving and appearing. You are almost watching yourself from outside of your body, nitpicking everything you say and do. As a result, you are uncomfortable and unable to simply exist peacefully in this moment. You hold back on being your authentic self as you try to protect yourself against saying the wrong thing, appearing the wrong way, or doing something that will result in embarrassment. What could be a peaceful, safe, and comfortable moment instead becomes one fraught with worry, rumination, and detachment. The antidote to self-surveillance is self-trust: knowing that your partner wants you there, that you deserve this beautiful moment, and that you can simply allow it to happen rather than try to control it.
Performance Anxiety
Anxiety can have a profound effect on our ability to fully experience moments of physical intimacy. Whether it is simply physical touch such as holding hands or a more sensual moment, these experiences require vulnerability. True vulnerability is letting things happen without fixating on outcomes and results. When we experience anxiety related to physical or sexual “performance,” we are often handicapped by disruptive and intrusive thoughts about reaching a result or culminating moment. To fight this unhelpful thought pattern, we can make an effort to practice mindfulness during intimate moments, where we resist the urge to get ahead of ourselves or to jump past the moment we are in. When we sit close to our partner, we try to simply be there with them, we pay attention to our closeness, and we stay in the present moment. In simple terms, we work to “just be.” By “being,” we are less hung up on outcomes and results, and less worried about our performance.
Avoidance
Worry can lead to running from what we perceive as risky situations. When we feel fear rather than safety in our relationships, we tend to become avoidant and resort to a childlike defense mechanism of trying to escape the situation. Avoidance in relationships can have a deeply detrimental effect on intimacy: It can threaten our ability to be honest and open, to have challenging conversations, to have new experiences, and to embrace natural changes and evolutions in our relationships. Avoidance causes us to stunt our growth and to miss important opportunities for strengthening our relationships. Though running away can feel safer than going toward, it can cumulatively keep us from advancing our relationships in a meaningful way. If avoidance is “running from,” then the opposite is “going toward,” and this is how we can build true and deep intimacy. The more we go toward novel experiences, deep conversations, and meaningful moments, the more our relationships grow in a healthy way.
In her book, All About Love, bell hooks makes the point that “schools for love do not exist.” How true that there is no blueprint or instruction manual for love or intimacy. Rather, it is a willingness to be vulnerable, mindful, and present that gives us the opportunity to deepen our relationships and to experience true intimacy. And vulnerability, mindfulness, and presence are proven antidotes to anxiety and worry.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.