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If I had to write one treatment plan for the thousands of clients I’ve seen over the years, it would likely be to help them step up and be assertive. Assertiveness is about expressing your authentic self and is the golden middle in the range of communication—Goldilocks’ “just right”—between those who angrily explode and those who say nothing at all.
For those who tend to be angry, assertiveness is about learning to not just spray their anger around the room but use it as information to let others know what they need. But more of the clients I’ve seen are like Kate; rather than exploding, they go to the other side and internalize their feelings. Strong emotions make them feel unsafe and anxious.
The topic doesn’t matter—for Kate, it’s about her work, but for you, it may be your partner’s seeming disinterest in your day. What’s important is the larger pattern—emotional wounds are inflicted that are being swept under the rug.
If you want to reach that middle ground, here are three suggestions to help you get started.
It’s not about the problem/person but your anxiety.
While anxiety is often driving those who explode—they feel flooded and overreact with anger—anxiety is always the culprit for those who internalize. Kate is getting stuck because she is instinctively worrying about her supervisor’s reaction; she is uncomfortable with conflict. This fear is usually tied to old childhood wounds—having parents who were critical and/or unpredictable, where you didn’t feel safe—and as an adult, you are easily triggered and fall back into childhood ways of coping where you walk on eggshells and imagine the worst.
The challenge here is less about the supervisor and more about overriding those ingrained fears and speaking up.
Not all anxiety is equal.
Your anxious mind tells you that all problems are equally important, but that’s not true. Kate talking to her supervisor, or you to your partner about their disinterest, is different, say, from a snide comment from the employee at the checkout. The sting may be the same, but the real-world importance is different. Generally, those closest to us who have more power—parents, bosses, partners—carry more weight than strangers. The problem is that your anxious brain doesn’t know the difference. You need to get your rational brain back online and use it to help you put things in perspective.
The key to managing anxiety is approaching it rather than avoiding it.
Your anxious brain also tells you that if you don’t want to feel anxious, you just need to be more careful and not rock the boat with your supervisor or partner. The problem here is that if you listen to your anxiety and avoid—don’t say anything to your supervisor or your partner—you will feel better.
But anxiety makes you feel better at the cost of making your world smaller and smaller. The key to managing your anxiety is not listening to it but instead pushing against it. Your goal is to expand your tolerance for anxiety by expanding your comfort zone and approaching anxious situations rather than avoiding them.
What to do
1. Realize you don’t have to think on your feet.
Kate feels stung; your partner’s disinterest gnaws at you. It’s fine that it takes a while to figure out your feelings, what bothers you most, and what you might want to say. Don’t criticize yourself or decide that your opportunity is over because you can’t think on your feet. What’s important is action. Kate takes a few days and decides to bring it up in her next supervisory meeting; you do the same with your partner.
2. Take baby steps.
What you are doing is rewiring your brain to act despite the anxiety you feel. If having a face-to-face conversation seems too intimidating right now, Kate or you may decide to send an email explaining how you feel and then follow up with a conversation. Similarly, you can practice assertiveness anytime situations arise—speak up to the cashier about her comment or when you get the wrong change at Starbucks rather than “let it go.”
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The key is paying attention to your gut reactions, not dismissing them or overriding them with some rationalization. Anytime you step up and push against your anxiety despite how you feel, you have the opportunity to find out that what you imagined would happen doesn’t, which, in turn, begins to change your view of the world. Over time you rewire your brain, turning these skills into a new normal.
3. Pat yourself on the back.
And even if you don’t get the results you hoped for—Kate’s supervisor isn’t immediately empathetic, and your partner doesn’t step in and make changes—Kate and you can circle back or decide what you need to do next. But regardless of the response, be sure to pat yourself on the back. Again, your bigger goal is not about having people respond the way you hope but doing what you couldn’t do as a child—stepping up and letting others know what you feel and need. This is how you shed those childhood fears and act like the adult you are.
What do you have to lose? If not now, when?