Source: geralt/pixabay
Allie is trying to decide if she wants to move with her partner to a new city; Tomas struggles to deal with his procrastination, which is undermining his job; and Jake and Maria are worried about their son’s emotional meltdowns but are unsure what to do.
Life is filled with problems, big and small, but the latest big problem can absorb 90% of your brain space, derail your everyday life, and create anxiety, anger, or depression. Here are six tips to help you move forward on any problem:
1. Do better to feel better
When we’re anxious or depressed, our emotional brain tells us that we need to feel better to do better, but most often, the opposite is true: If you keep doing the same thing, you keep feeling the same way; instead, do better to feel better. Here, Allie checks out jobs and salaries in the new city; Tomas gets an accountability buddy to help him not procrastinate; Jake and Maria look for a child therapist to help their son.
2. Find the problem under the problem
If you’re feeling stuck in solving a problem, ask yourself: What is the problem under the problem? Allie wonders why she hesitates to move—is it about the city, the relationship, or what? Ditto for Tomas’ procrastination. What might be driving Jake and Maria’s son’s behavior? It’s too easy to get stuck at the first level of the problem of frustration instead of looking deeper down.
3. How you do anything is how you do everything
We tend to get set in our ways of managing our relationships, stress, and emotions. Looking at the larger patterns is often a good way of gaining a new perspective. Allie remembers how she left an earlier relationship because she was unsure of commitment or how she stressed about changes, making her last big move a disaster. Tomas has always struggled with procrastination and remembered a school counselor suggesting that he may have ADHD. Jake realizes that when confronted with difficult situations and decisions, he feels easily overwhelmed and shuts down.
Seeing these “everything” patterns helps redefine the problem: Allie may need to focus on commitment, not the city, and Tomas on possible ADHD. Jake needs to get support from Maria so that they can work together to help their son.
4. There are no mistakes
Allie worries she’ll regret whatever decision she makes; Tomas knows that medication may help ADHD but worries about side effects. Jake and Maria are unsure what type of therapist to look for for their child.
Another way it’s easy to get into trouble is by obsessing about making the right decision. Few decisions in life are irreversible; you’re allowed to change your mind. Allie can move or not, or she can go and come back based on what happens next; Tomas can try medication or instead work with a life coach and see if it makes a difference. Jake and Maria can get some recommendations for child therapists to schedule a consult; if it’s not a good fit, they can try someone else.
5. Look for what you’re avoiding or not seeing
When I see individuals or couples, I look for what they don’t talk about as much as what they do; often, the solution to their problem lies in what they are avoiding—what they can’t do, where they don’t want to go. For Allie, it may be about commitment, moving, or wounds from her past relationship; for Tomas, it is about accepting that he’s being unreliable, rather than blaming his boss or the fact that he didn’t get the support he needed as a child; for Jake and Maria, it’s about the fact that they’ve never fully been on the same page as parents but never openly discussed it nor their son’s troubling behavior.
Again, this is not about guilt or incompetence but stepping back and seeing what’s missing from the bigger picture. On a problem level, it may be about what you haven’t tried or thought about; on a larger level, it may be about those bigger patterns that hold you back—that you avoid confrontation, you can’t control your anger, you hold onto the past. Or, it’s about anxiety: learning to step outside your comfort zone, do what you are reluctant to do, and go where you don’t want to go.
6. Be honest
When you don’t know what to do, the default is to step back and be honest with yourself and others. Focus on what you truly feel, what that feeling may mean, and what you most want changed in this situation, your life, and your relationship. It’s okay to start with the ideal and work backward to the practical. The most important part is being sincere.
There you have it. See what resonates, and be willing to experiment. It’s not about the problem but how you approach it.