Source: Klimkin/Pixabay
Battling over housework has to be one of the most common first-world problems that couples struggle over, whether it’s laundry, dishes, bathrooms, who does it, who doesn’t, or how it’s done. But like many couple issues, it’s usually more complicated than it seems. Here are the common underlying drivers that keep the problem alive.
1. Imbalance
Anna feels like she’s doing the heavy lifting; Marcus does the “outside” work, like mowing the grass and raking leaves. But Anna feels that she is putting in more time per week and is feeling resentful.
2. Different standards
What does it mean to “clean” the kitchen or the bathroom or pick up the living room? Alex and Joe can go back and forth on this all day long. Usually, it’s tied to the different family cultures they each grew up with.
3. Power struggles
Here, it’s not about the inside vs. outside work or the criteria for clean, but whose way will come out on top; it’s about power, power struggles, and winning. Often, these turn into blinking contests fueled by past resentments or innate stubbornness. They can be particularly destructive if they reach some emotional tipping point.
4. Triggering of wounds
If it’s not about power, it may be related to the triggering of each partner’s emotional wounds—the classic example is being feeling dismissed vs. micromanaged—each fueling the other’s. Anna asks Marcus to help with laundry; Marcus feels micromanaged and pushes back or reacts passively, saying he will do it but putting it off. This leaves Anna feeling dismissed and unheard and triggers her to press on Marcus more, repeating the pattern. Like power struggles, these can also erupt into destructive arguments.
5. Emotional “garbage cans”
Alex and Joe agree that chores are about the only thing they struggle over. While this may be true, often the danger is that they are using chores as an emotional garbage can for other problems that they are sweeping under the rug; other couples might do the same around parenting or money. The tension and resentment from these unresolved and unaddressed issues fuel the digging in, the power struggle, and arguments over whose reality is right.
What’s needed here are solutions that both partners can agree to, but to do that, they need to clear out these underlying obstacles. Here’s how it breaks down:
Correcting Imbalance
It’s easy for these conversations to turn into a tit-for-tat over who is working harder. Instead, you need to come up with a list of specific jobs you can agree on. It helps to build in general time frames—for instance, the bathroom should be cleaned by Saturday or once a week. These clear expectations help the more anxious person feel less anxious and the other less micromanaged.
But sometimes, this chore imbalance is the tip of the iceberg of larger imbalances in the relationship where you’re not getting enough back for what you feel you’re putting in—for example, appreciation, affection, or emotional support. If that’s the case, step up and discuss this meta-issue directly and work together to create more balance.
Aligning different standards
This, too, is about reaching a middle ground, basic standards you both can agree on— picking up the living room or clearing the kitchen counters before bed, or working together for two hours on a Saturday morning moving through the agreed-upon list. And if there are still some items that one partner needs to feel comfortable, they take it upon themselves as their problem without resentment.
Handling power struggles and triggered wounds
We can lump these together because the starting point is the same: Whether you consider these arguments to be about stubbornness or arguing over whose reality is right, the key is stepping back and realizing that, at some point, the topic is no longer the real issue. Emotions are taking over, and you’re both locked into a circular, destructive pattern. It’s time to lower the temperature by taking a break.
Relationships Essential Reads
If you can do it—and this is the key—the next step is, as with the other issues, coming up with a compromise that doesn’t fuel each other’s triggering. Here, you want to have a problem-solving discussion about how you can work together overall without triggering feeling dismissed or micromanaged.
Managing emotional “garbage cans”
If you suspect that other unresolved issues are bleeding into the chores problem, it’s time to change the emotional climate of resentment, tension, and keeping score by tackling those underlying issues. Set aside time for productive, one-problem-at-a-time problem-solving conversations.
The bigger picture
The theme here is clear: When, as a couple, you’re deadlocked on a problem, whatever it may be, your natural tendency is to push harder to make your point or get the other to do what you want, but the real problem is always the deadlock itself. This is what you want to talk about and resolve. This is often easier said than done, of course. It’s about applying emotional regulation and good communication skills. If you need help learning these skills or support in having these conversations, consider meeting with a therapist, even briefly, or a mediator or minister—someone who can help guide the discussion and help you move forward.
Managing household chores may be a first-world problem, but it can be a source of constant aggravation. Time to put it to rest?