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Jack has been dating Maria for several years, living separately but doing sleepovers a few nights a week. Jack thinks the relationship is going well; Maria feels frustrated because she feels they are just treading water.
She would like the relationship to move forward—living together at least, ideally getting married at some point. But Jack resists with a variety of responses—a shrug, a why, he’s-happy-they’re-happy, why spoil it? Jack’s got “commitaphobia.”
While we stereotypically associate this with men, it can just as easily be Maria, who is the one waffling. And where this anxiety falls is on a relationship continuum—for some couples, it may be about going exclusive, about saying the L-bomb, about how we label our relationship to others—while for still others, like Maria, it’s about living together or the ultimate, getting married. But commitaphobia isn’t the problem; it’s Jack’s solution to an underlying one.
Here are 6 common sources of commitaphobia:
1: There are relationship problems that Jack’s not addressing.
Jack wishes their sex life was better, or that Maria didn’t have these occasional temper flares, or that she was less of a spendthrift. Jack worries these problems would eventually get to him if they lived together or married. But Jack never talks about this; he doesn’t want to spoil their date nights, or the several-day break in seeing each other makes it easy to sweep it all under the rug.
2: Jack’s holding out for “the one.”
Jack thinks Maria is a great person, but he wonders: Is there someone out there who is more X, who can be the one? He fantasizes about stumbling on this magical person on a business trip or at a bar. He’s not acting on these fantasies, but a deeper commitment feels like these opportunities will be closed off.
3: Jack has relationship trauma from his past.
Jack was married briefly before, and it ended in a disaster. His wife cheated on him, and the divorce process itself was traumatic, with him taking a big financial hit. Still feeling wounded by what occurred, he fears history repeating itself.
In another common variation, Jack may have witnessed his parents’ divorce when he was a child, had to endure all the negative consequences as he was growing up, and is simply cynical about long-term relationships.
4: Jack can more easily cut and run.
By keeping his relationship with Maria loose, he can get away with potentially less mess if things break bad or he simply tires of the relationship.
5: Jack has control of the relationship.
He’s the one who is essentially calling the shots. As long as Maria is willing to stay, Jack can stay in the relationship comfort zone that suits him. And his seeming indecisiveness keeps Maria’s hope alive that he will eventually get off the fence and commit.
6: Jack has trouble making decisions.
Jack’s waffling about his relationship with Maria is the tip of the iceberg of what Jack does in other areas of his life. Even deciding to buy a car is a big deal; he fears making a mistake. He’s likely self-critical and may have generalized anxiety disorder that makes him always cautious.
What to Do: Maria
Maria has three options. One is to accept this is how it is, give up her fantasies and magical thinking that Jack and the relationship will somehow change, and say to herself that the relationship is good enough for her right now.
Another is simply to go ahead and end the relationship—stop treading water, take what she gets, stop the feeling she is wasting her time and life goals. She can step up and give Jack an ultimatum: That he needs to make a more significant step towards commitment, or she leaves. By being clear and pushing Jack to make a decision one way or another, Jack, psychologically, has to sort through his feelings and get off the fence.
Finally, Maria can nudge Jack to drill down into the underlying problem. Here, she may need to be the one to ask the hard questions about what Jack is wrestling with, or better yet and likely more effectively, get a few sessions of counseling where the therapist, as an outsider, can be the one to ask the hard questions. If it’s about ignoring relationship problems or dealing with past relationship trauma, they have a forum for solving the problems or healing the wounds.
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What to Do: Jack
If you were to sit Jack down, he’d probably say his only problem with Maria right now is that she can’t appreciate what’s good and to stop bugging him about the future and moving forward. Ideally, he’d like her to stop and be satisfied where the way things are now. With this stance, it brings the problem back to Maria.
But if Jack, at some point, has any inkling that these conversations are keeping him at a distance that prevents him from leaning in and getting the intimacy or the partner he’d like to share his life with, he needs to drill down and be honest with himself about how he’s feeling and what’s keeps him from being more decisive. Again, counseling may help by having someone ask the hard questions or provide support, while he unravels these emotional dynamics. Or he may be able to do this on his own, reading self-help books, as well as doing some soul searching.
Again, the phobia part of commitaphobia is about anxiety—a fear of what his decision and the future may hold. As with other forms of anxiety, the antidote is realizing that you can’t control the future; you can only make the best decision you can right now and believe that you are capable of fixing problems that may arise.
This is less about Maria and more about Jack learning to step outside his comfort zone, be bolder, and ultimately run his life better.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory